got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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