But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
ttyl tear gas
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
