I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Drunk is a universal language darling
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
