My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
