I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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