The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
