I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize