U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize