I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
