My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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