hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
