Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize