grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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