I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
home. puking in laundry basket.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I fill condoms, not promises.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize