He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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