Plan B is the new Plan A
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
