I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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