Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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