i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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