Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
