i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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