So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
