When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
