Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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