Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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