do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
