You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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