I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
