I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
