threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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