just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize