My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
