God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
