I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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