The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
