So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
