highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
FUCK WHALES
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
