I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
