my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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