If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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