PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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