they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
