I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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