Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
