I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
NoShamevember. You game?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize