1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
