just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
