I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My vagina is officially offended.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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