shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize