just come out here and I will go home with you...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
