After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We got so high we made milksteak
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
