I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
