i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
