apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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