I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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