do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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