The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize