hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
