well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
