you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
