Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
