I'm lost and stupid without you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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