The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The maid of honor just puked.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
