grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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