I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
third nipple confirmed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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