i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
