Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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