omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
