hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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